Couples Versus Singles: Who's Better Off?

What's Better About Being in a Couple

1. Knowing that when you wear sexy lingerie, someone besides you will see it.
2. Talking after orgasm.
3. Full-time, in-house back-scratching and neck-rubbing services.
4. Sleeping with someone you trust enough to lose consciousness with.
5. Waking up with someone who wants to hear your dreams.
6. Dreaming big couple-type dreams: marriage, house, babies.

7. Halving your housework, your worries, your rent.
8. Doubling your friends, your CD collection, your income.
9. Arriving home and finding a hot meal waiting for you that wasn't left there by Big Bud's Pizza.
10. The security of knowing what you're going to be doing, and with whom, for as far ahead as you can see.
11. Party postmortems.
12. Watching his face turn joyful when the pregnancy test turns pink.
13. Not having to listen to your parents ask you for the 478th time when you're finally going to meet someone they can feel excited about.
14. Not having to ask yourself when you're going to meet someone you can feel excited about.
15. Using him as your trusty bed warmer at the end of a really long day.
16. Turning your attention from men to more exciting things.


What's Better About being Single

1. Feeling like your life could be a trendy TV show.
2. Being the total master of your fate - from what you're going to eat for dinner to where you'll put your sofa to how you'll design the rest of your life.

3. Knowing there's someone who'll always listen when you want to talk, someone who's your ally in a cruel worlds: your best friend.
4. Remote- control control.
5. Making enormous changes in your life without feeling selfish or breaking anybody's heart.
6. Dreaming big single-type dreams: the hot job, the big bucks, the great romance.
7. Dressing for attention and relishing every ounce of it.
8. Not having any question about whose career comes first.
9. Sleeping in a flannel nightgown on flowered sheets with a cat, a dog and a pile of old magazine.
10.The thrill of feeling that anything could happen at anytime - and knowing that when it does, you'll be free to leap.
11. Flirting that's as hot as sex.
12. Sex without soul-searching.
13. Soul-searing sex.
14. Renting Speed on a rainy afternoon and fast-forwarding past the terrorism to the kissing.
15. Having the privacy essential for meditating on such vital issues as who you are and what really makes you happy.
16. Turning your attention from men to more exciting things.

Creating a Domestic God

Getting men to help with housework and the kids is not only a battle of the sexes, it's a battle of wills. Before things reach boiling point, try employing these tactics to help bring out the domestic god in your husband.

1) Roster Him On
Before you begin "the chat", pick your time and place. Try talking on neutral ground, rather than in a kitchen laden with dirty dishes, and at a time when you are both calm and in a positive mood, says US psychologist Dr Joshua Coleman, the author of the Lazy Husband: How To Get To Do More Parenting And Housework. "Raise the topic with your partner and ask if it is a good time. If he says no - which he has a right to - ask when in the next week would be a good time." says Dr Coleman.

Say you'd like to talk briefly about the division of labour in the house. And try not to criticise. Dr Coleman suggests opening with: "I really appreciate that you're [positive trait]. I'm wondering if we could brainstorm a way to share more of the housework because I've been feeling really exhausted lately."

The trick is to be flexible and open to his input. When it comes to rostering, it's best to get him to commit to doing as much as possible because it's likely there will be some slippage on this part over time. Sit down together and write a list of all of the things each of you do. In black and white, your list will almost certainly be longer.

Ask him which tasks he'd be willing to take on. Try to keep it playful, positive and upbeat. Then thank him for taking the time to talk about it - you shouldn't have to, but it works better if you do.

Once a roster is in place, try to hold quick weekly meetings about how things are going and what needs to be done to prevent resentment building up.

2) Adjust Your Standards
Monitoring and criticising the quality of this housework, redoing tasks, or refusing his offers of help are sure-fire ways to prevent him from even attempting to pitch in.

Many women feel guilty if they're not being superwives. As a result, they might have a harder time giving clear messages. They get their partners to agree to do something and then do it for him before he has a chance to do it himself. Women are generally more houseproud than men. Don't assume your standards are the right ones for both of you.

3) Let Dad Be Dad
Of course it feels like you're the expert in child-rearing - you've done it more intensively than he has. But you're more likely to gain aco-pilot in uniform-ironing and hair-plaiting if you lose your "expert" cap.

This is especially important when couples first become parents. Give him time alone with the children (without instruction). Men who get involved in parenting in the beginning stay much more involved with the kids and the housework.

Men don't always parent in the same way as women. They often encourage more risk-taking behavior, don't respond as quickly to children's distress and are often more strict. Try to see these as differences, rather than rights or wrongs. The more your husband feels valued as a parent and respected by you, the more involved he'll want to be.

4) Work On Your Relationship
This is the fun part, one that will make you happy in a way a spotless kitchen never can. Work harder at becoming closer to your partner, and watch the knock-on effects flow. Men do much more parenting and housework when they feel close to their parners. Give voice to what you like, love, admire or value in him.

Once way to nurture a united front regarding the housework is to do some together. Why not alternate changing the bedding your way with his. And if he's not home at scheduled sheet-changing time, it won't hurt to leave them unchanged until he is.

5) Offer Praise
When your recalcitrant partner starts falling into line, say things such as, "I really appreciate you emptying the bin without me reminding you - that meant a lot to me."

The happiest marriages are those in which men participate equally in child-rearing and household tasks. So if all else fails, mention the research of Dr John Gottman at the University of Washington - it shows husbands who help more with household tasks enjoy a better sex life with their wives.

perhaps that statistic is all you need to swing him into mop-wielding, dish-cleaning and nappy-changing action.

The (new) Rules
If your new housework arrangements are taking a little while to kick in, consider a new approach.

"It is more effective to have a sense of humour and not to go in with all guns blazing"

"Say something like, 'Hmm, you said you were going to do the laundry and it's not done. What's the plan?."

"Get him to re-commit. If he says he will and still hasn't done it in a few days, revisit the matter - this time a little more firmly. Say 'So. the laundry still ins't done. I know you don't like nagging but you're putting me in a tough position here. if I don't nag, it doesn't get done. If I do nag, we're both unhappy. What's the solution?'

"Put it on him to give a solution. Then assume this will take time to work out. And don't become discouraged if it doesn't fall into place quickly."

By Karen Heinrich

10 Ways to Keep Love Blooming Over Time

Relationships are dynamic… Couples who expect their passion to last forever, or their intimacy to remain unchallenged, are in for a disappointed

The trick is to build a more deeply-rooted love in the face of a host of obstacles. Here are 10 ways to keep love blooming over time:

1) Don’t expect perfection
Expecting perfection is one of the surest ways to doom a love relationship. When we’re caught in the throes of passionate, head-over-heels love, we tend to idealize our loved one. But when that love begins to transform itself into a more stable form, we can suddenly become aware of the many shortcomings in our partner that we had overlooked before.

2) Be flexible
The fine art of compromise is an important part of keeping love alive. People who mistake rigidity (and an insistence on always being right) for strength are usually not people who are well-loved.

3) Don’t substitute love for personal identity
The strongest, most durable relationships are usually those in which two individuals retain and foster their own individuality. Don’t try to engulf your lover; if you let your own identity become subsumed by your relationship, chances are the relationship will be diminished.

4) Pursue personal interests
The love you share with your partner may be a great source of strength, stability and support, but if you allow your personal life to fade away, you lose an important source of vitality and an opportunity to fulfill needs that may not be met in your love relationship.

5) Remember romance
When it comes to romance, it’s usually the little things that count most – calling to say “I Love You”, bringing flowers home unexpectedly, tucking a handwritten love letter in a partner’s suitcase before a business trip.

6) Be sensitive to your partner’s feelings
This is not an admonition for you to become a serious mind reader. Pay attention to what your lover is saying, either in words or in non-verbal communication. Don’t belittle your partner’s feelings just because they’re not the same ones you have or because you don’t understand them.

7) Don’t let anger undermine your interaction
Although it’s possible to prevent some misunderstandings from escalating into anger if you’re able to talk about your feelings openly in a non-accusatory manner, it isn’t always possible to keep anger out of your life. When it occurs, bring it out in the open and search for ways to diffuse it.

Learning to say “I’m sorry” is one of the simplest ways. You can also restore equilibrium to a situation in other ways, without having to give in to your partner unilaterally. When anger distorts the feelings of both of you, you can agree to table the issue until a time when you’re able to discuss it more rationally. (Letting a little time pass is one of the simplest ways of defusing anger.) Or you can turn to others – good friends, professional counselors – for help.

8) Be a considerate sex partner
Most people seem to think good sex is a matter of performance. Actually, good sex is more often a matter of being attuned to your partner’s feelings and preferences. Often, it is as much related to knowing exactly what to do.

Here are three examples of sensitivity to your partner’s sexual needs:
* If your partner is fighting a cold or has had a bad day at the office, this is not a good time to try out your sensual massage oil and the new technique you’ve just read about for improving your orgasmic potential.
* If you are really feeling sexually tense and your partner agrees to a “quickie” to help you out, don’t try to make it into a marathon lovemaking session. That your partner may not need sex in the same way as you at this time is not the sign of a problem.
* Be careful about saying no to sex too often; you run the risk of triggering a sense of rejection that is preventable if you simple make yourself available, even when sex is not top priority on your list for the day.

9) Don’t take your partner for granted
Complacency is one of the deadliest enemies of love. Not paying attention to your partner is certainly one way of taking him for granted, but other subtle forms also exist. Condescension is one of the most insidious attitudes that can undermine love. Neglect – as in forgetting to call your partner when you promised to or showing up an hour and a half late for a dinner date, or generally being unreliable – is also a sign that there is trouble in paradise.

10) Maintaining love doesn’t happen automatically
Many people are astounded to discover that love doesn’t sustain itself effortlessly. In order to make love work, you have to work at loving. This requires time and energy. Unless you give of yourself in love, you’re unlikely to get much in return.

Love – A Work in Progress
Although why we fall in love with each other is often a puzzle, what we can be sure of is that the first of passionate, romantic love don’t burn forever. Over time, passionate love usually evolves into a different, more stable and mature form of relating. This second stage of a love relationship is often called “compassionate” love – which, unfortunately, can sound about as rewarding as an old pair of shoes!

In truth, a new, more deeply-rooted love frequently emerges; one in which passion is replaced by mutuality, enhanced intimacy and a broader repertoire of problems, job issues and other issues - can slowly work to erode a couple's relationship, both sexual and otherwise, unless partners take care to prevent it.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Bathe Him
Which man doesn’t like to be pampered? Massage him as you soap him up – you’ll bond in the shower.

Fun Times
Marriage, children, money and chores leave little time for fun. When your husband thinks of you, you want him to think not responsibility and burden, but fun. Make time for and plan fun activities. Try a thrilling new sport together. Go somewhere he’s always wanted to go. Avoid ruts and routine.

Think Praise and Pleasure
Do you complain frequently? Do you and your husband often quarrel? If your answer’s yes, thoughts of you might be associated with pain, not pleasure. For every time you criticize your husband, there should be four instances where you compliment and encourage him. If you make him feel bad about himself, he’ll seek happiness elsewhere. Make him associate you with pleasure. It can be emotional, physical or spiritual pleasure, like praying together or saving the Earth.

Adventure Together
Bad times can be better weathered when you know something wonderful is going to happen. Plan a trip you’ve dreamed about. Collect brochures, start saving.

Listen!
Does he wish you would paint your nails, or stop cleaning so much? Those tiny complaints can mean a lot. Draw him out. Find out what he wants or needs.

Deeper Purpose
Find a mission. Do you want to raise children, help a charity or save the Earth? Get involved in projects that will make your marriage more meaningful.

Doll Up
Face it. How you look does matter. Don’t let yourself go after you’ve nabbed your man.

Also read: Win Him Back From The Other Woman

Win Him Back From The Other Woman

Your man’s been fooling around, but you still want him back. What can you do?

70% of couples stay married despite an affair.
80% of affairs are started by men.

It’s not just him, it’s you too. When your man strays, it’s a symptom of a deeper problem in your marriage and you’re responsible too, says Dr. Emily Brown, marriage Centre in the United States.

Think about what went wrong. “An affair happened because somehow you weren’t taking care of business as a couple. Ask yourself where you got off track with each other,” she advises.

Consumed with rage or reeling from shock, most women don’t realize it’s not just him who needs to change.

Sure-win Tactics
* Be patient – Believe it or not, a good way to win him back is to be tolerant. Show you still care through little acts like preparing his favourite food. Even if he doesn’t feel guilty, it’ll make him remember why you got together in the first place.
* Quit obsessing about the affair – Why did he do that? He’s answered the question 50 times and you’re still asking it. You’re using the obsessive questioning to stay away from your own pain.
* Let him know how much it hurts – Talk about what the pain feels like inside, like ‘I feel my gut is torn up. I’m scared to trust.’ He’s got to listen to that. What if he doesn’t want to listen? Then ask yourself if you really want him back.
* Focus on yourself – Men are strange – the more you seem in control, the more desirable you are to him. Says Dr Brown: “The betrayed spouse may be so distraught that she’ll do anything to keep him and he may find that very unattractive. If she gets real and takes better care of herself, insists on being treated decently, that may make him take notice.”

The biggest fights are over:
1. Money
2. Bad habits
3. Parenting styles
4. Intimacy problems

Road To Recovery
From the minute they discover the affair, most women go from shock to anger and then to obsessive anger (“I want to know all the details” phase).

And not many move on. A lot people get stuck in the obsessive anger stage. Things just get uglier and uglier and then they do the same thing all over again in the next relationship. You need to calm down, understand your emotions and talk about the pain. This is where professional advice can help.

The affair wouldn’t have occurred if they knew how to prevent it. Since they didn’t know how to prevent it, they are not going to know how to heal from it without some help. Best friends are not a good idea because they’ll take sides, she recommends.

If you’re able to move beyond your obsessive anger, then there’s a real chance of your marriage surviving. That’s a real turning point when they can start talking to each other about the affair.

But there’s no quick fix to a broken marriage. For the marriage to work, both must put in hard work to rebuild the foundation. This means getting underneath the surface to fix the real bugs in your relationship. The real affair’s not the issue. It’s a symptom. And it’s going to take time. Post affair, most marriages take one to two years to get back on track.

Also read: Affair-Proof Your Marriage

9 Secret About Your Man – He May not Know Himself!

Wondering why your hubby can’t let go of the remote control? Researches have surprisingly answers..

Researches have discovered subtle differences between men and women, caused by evolution needs.

“We sometimes expects men to act like us, then feel angry when they don’t,” says marriage counselor Joy Lundberg. “But once you understand why men do things, your man will seem less mystifying.” Here are nine secrets about him to help you get along better:

1) Men like talking side-by-side, not face-to-face
That’s why he often looks at something else when you’re looking right at him, Lundberg explains. “Women like to look at people they’re talking to, but it makes men nervous.” So to chat with your man, talk when you’re on a walk or in the car, advises brain and personality expert, Dr. Pierce J Howard.

2) His thumb is 20 times stronger
That’s because men spent thousands of years wielding weapons. So, now you know why your husband is so skilled at using – and hogging – the remote control!

3) Men speak about 12,000 words a day, women speak 25,000
The part of the brain that connects the right hemisphere (controls feeling) with the left (controls language) is 40 percent smaller in men. It’s like dial-up versus broadband internet.

4) Men take longer to get the words out
Because of the smaller “highway” between their right and left brains, it can take men 40 percent longer to formulate their thoughts. So, Lundberg suggests that you let your husband finish speaking first. “That way, he’ll become much more talkative!” she says.

5) Men are warmer
Sure, he is being chivalrous when he offers you his jacket when you’re cold. But, he may not be making that big a sacrifice. Men burn calories faster and feel warmer. So that’s why he turns the air-con up while you huddle under the duvet!

6) Men have trouble saying “I’m sorry”
Studies show that this is due to higher testosterone levels and cultural conditioning, says Dr Howard. But a new study says a man who’s sorry about something will avoid your eyes – a sign he knows he was wrong. So, your hubby may be apologizing in his own way, Lundberg points out.

7) Men move on quickly
Men are quicker to rebound from emotional upsets. As Dr Howard says, “Males must quickly forget scary encounters with bears so they can go out to hunt dinner. But a female protecting young needs a long memory about the bears.”

8) Men have a one-track mind
Unlike women, whose dual-brained approach makes us suited to the multi-tasking that’s an essential part of caring for kids, men are mentally geared to focus on just one task at a time.

9) He needs his space!
Men need more elbow room than women do for emotional comfort. So, when your husband sits in the chair across the room, not on the sofa with you. He’s not being unfriendly. It’s just natural!

Massage Your Way to Great Sex

9 bedroom massage techniques that can ignite the fire in your man

Cat Stroking
Position yourself at your partner’s side near his buttocks or sit astride him. Place your left palm at the base of his neck and stroke down his back slowly and gently. As your left hand reaches his buttocks, lift off and repeat with the other hand.

Buttock Knuckling
Place your loose fists, knuckles down on his buttocks and vibrate gently. Make sure you move your fists over his entire buttocks. This technique disperses toxins and ensures all sexual arousal points have been massaged.

Buttock Kneading
Using light pressure, continue to make small circular movements with your thumbs from the crease of the buttocks in a straight line up to his lower back.

Buttock Plucking
Place both palms on his buttocks. Gently grab small section of his flesh between your thumbs and fingers and let them slip through your hands.

Feather Touching
Using the lightest touch, slowly trail your fingertips, in overlapping motion, down the highly sensitive skin on the underside of his arms, inner thighs and the back of his neck. Then, simultaneously stroke your fingers down the back of his neck in overlapping motions.

Whisper Caressing
Soft caressing is profoundly relaxing, especially on the face and jaw. Proceed to tenderly stroke the left side of his face simultaneously with your hands, followed by his right side.

Brow Soothing
Place each thumb on the start of both his eyebrows. Using gentle but firm pressure, glide your thumbs outwards and press down for five seconds at intermittent points along each brow until you reach the tips.

Ear Smoothing
With your thumbs and index fingers holding his ear, massage all over in a circular fashion slowly and firmly. Move on to his earlobes and gently pull them downwards.

Head Stroking
Stroke the hair and massage the head to induce calmness. To end your routine, rake your fingers through his hair, then with your fingertips, gently massage the scalp in circular motions.

before you begin…
Take note of these 10 essential preparation steps

* Give yourself plenty of time, so allocate the least two hours.
* Unplug everything that could distract you, such as handphones and clocks. If you have kids, send them to a friend or relative’s place.
* To prevent other interruptions, lock the door and place a ‘Do not disturb’ sign on it.
* Set the stage for romance with soft music. Put a couple of CDs into the changes so you don’t have to stop and put on a new one.
* Illuminate the room with sensual lighting, such as candles. Turn off glaring overhead lights and drape sheer fabrics over floor lamps.
* Prepare a cup of water or herbal drink for quick hydration.
* Use rolled towels as his neck and knee pillows.
* Take a long hot shower or bath together.
* Burn suitable essential oils in an aromatherapy burner.
* Since massage oils stain most fabrics, spread an old (but clean) flat sheet over your bed or massage surface.

Create Your Own Scent of Love
To create your very own aromatic massage oil, you need to use a scent-free base oil, such as sweet almond, coconut or olive oil. Add to the base oil a few drops of essential oils of jasmine, rose, geranium, rosewood, sandalwood or ylang ylang, which all possess a warming and enveloping quality. To add a note of spice or a stimulating edge to your blend, add either black pepper or frankincense essential oil.

By Yanni Tan

Becoming Single and Available

Being single isn't the same thing as being available

A guy said he had recently become single again. He described several dating experiences that had left him confused. All the women had seemed keen, but when he tried to pursue a relationship they blocked the way (claiming, for example, that they weren't ready to let go of their ex or were afraid of losing their freedom). It occurred that all of these women were what's called SBUs - Single But Unavailable.

SBUs are people who say they're single and express interest, but then put up barriers to prevent a relationship developing. Some of the excuses over the years include: not being over the ex, having too many work commitments, being overweight, still living with the parents, being too broke, wanting to travel in the future, having kids, being too picky, and not wanting to jeopardise the existing friendship.

This type of behaviour typically occurs subconsciously without the person being aware of the obstacles they're creating. It may be driven by fear (of commitment and intimacy, of being hurt again, of loss of control, or of failure), lack of trust, or simply the desire to play the field without being tied down.

Whatever the barrier, the outcome remains the same - they stay single. What they get is a potential partner showing attention and interest, without the chance of it ever going anywhere. if you're an SBU and want to stay that way - fine. But if this is a problem that youw ant to change, then it's time to remove the mental blocks and commit to doing things differently.

Here's how to break down the barriers

* Test the market: Be honest about whether you're ready to get involved with a new partner. Ask yourself: do I make excuses that take me out of the dating game? How long has it been since I was involved in a long-term relationship? How do I feel when I think about going out with someone? How do I feel about being single? What would I need to change in my life in order to go out with someone?

* Get some feedback: Often we can lie to ourselves about our true situation and it's hard to front up honestly. Go to a trusted friend and ask for some constrictive feedback. Do they think you're emotionally available to meet someone? Do they think you put up barriers to avoid getting involved in a relationship? What do they think you need to change to become available?

* Identify the ideal: Take some time to think about what type of person you would ideally like to be involved with. break it down into their personality traits, emotional make-up, looks, career, family attachments, ambitions, social skills, and parenting ability. Then ask yourself: am I ready to meet this person?

* Lose the barriers: Once you have acknowledged that you're ready to open up to a new relationship, start tearing down the barriers that have been stopping you. Divide your life into these areas: health and fitness, work, family, friends, past relationships, upbringing, finance, andliving arrangements. Then ask yourself: what do I need to change or do differently in these areas so I'm more available to meet someone? This might include buying a new wardrobe, breaking contact with your ex-boyfriend, reducing your alcohol intake, not working weekends, moving house, getting counselling, joining a gym or spending more time with single friends.

Source: Next mgz