70% of couples stay married despite an affair.
80% of affairs are started by men.
It’s not just him, it’s you too. When your man strays, it’s a symptom of a deeper problem in your marriage and you’re responsible too, says Dr. Emily Brown, marriage Centre in the United States.
Think about what went wrong. “An affair happened because somehow you weren’t taking care of business as a couple. Ask yourself where you got off track with each other,” she advises.
Consumed with rage or reeling from shock, most women don’t realize it’s not just him who needs to change.
* Be patient – Believe it or not, a good way to win him back is to be tolerant. Show you still care through little acts like preparing his favourite food. Even if he doesn’t feel guilty, it’ll make him remember why you got together in the first place.
* Quit obsessing about the affair – Why did he do that? He’s answered the question 50 times and you’re still asking it. You’re using the obsessive questioning to stay away from your own pain.
* Let him know how much it hurts – Talk about what the pain feels like inside, like ‘I feel my gut is torn up. I’m scared to trust.’ He’s got to listen to that. What if he doesn’t want to listen? Then ask yourself if you really want him back.
* Focus on yourself – Men are strange – the more you seem in control, the more desirable you are to him. Says Dr Brown: “The betrayed spouse may be so distraught that she’ll do anything to keep him and he may find that very unattractive. If she gets real and takes better care of herself, insists on being treated decently, that may make him take notice.”
The biggest fights are over:
2. Bad habits
3. Parenting styles
4. Intimacy problems
Road To Recovery
From the minute they discover the affair, most women go from shock to anger and then to obsessive anger (“I want to know all the details” phase).
And not many move on. A lot people get stuck in the obsessive anger stage. Things just get uglier and uglier and then they do the same thing all over again in the next relationship. You need to calm down, understand your emotions and talk about the pain. This is where professional advice can help.
The affair wouldn’t have occurred if they knew how to prevent it. Since they didn’t know how to prevent it, they are not going to know how to heal from it without some help. Best friends are not a good idea because they’ll take sides, she recommends.
If you’re able to move beyond your obsessive anger, then there’s a real chance of your marriage surviving. That’s a real turning point when they can start talking to each other about the affair.
But there’s no quick fix to a broken marriage. For the marriage to work, both must put in hard work to rebuild the foundation. This means getting underneath the surface to fix the real bugs in your relationship. The real affair’s not the issue. It’s a symptom. And it’s going to take time. Post affair, most marriages take one to two years to get back on track.
Also read: Affair-Proof Your Marriage