Becoming Single and Available

Being single isn't the same thing as being available

A guy said he had recently become single again. He described several dating experiences that had left him confused. All the women had seemed keen, but when he tried to pursue a relationship they blocked the way (claiming, for example, that they weren't ready to let go of their ex or were afraid of losing their freedom). It occurred that all of these women were what's called SBUs - Single But Unavailable.

SBUs are people who say they're single and express interest, but then put up barriers to prevent a relationship developing. Some of the excuses over the years include: not being over the ex, having too many work commitments, being overweight, still living with the parents, being too broke, wanting to travel in the future, having kids, being too picky, and not wanting to jeopardise the existing friendship.

This type of behaviour typically occurs subconsciously without the person being aware of the obstacles they're creating. It may be driven by fear (of commitment and intimacy, of being hurt again, of loss of control, or of failure), lack of trust, or simply the desire to play the field without being tied down.

Whatever the barrier, the outcome remains the same - they stay single. What they get is a potential partner showing attention and interest, without the chance of it ever going anywhere. if you're an SBU and want to stay that way - fine. But if this is a problem that youw ant to change, then it's time to remove the mental blocks and commit to doing things differently.

Here's how to break down the barriers

* Test the market:
Be honest about whether you're ready to get involved with a new partner. Ask yourself: do I make excuses that take me out of the dating game? How long has it been since I was involved in a long-term relationship? How do I feel when I think about going out with someone? How do I feel about being single? What would I need to change in my life in order to go out with someone?

* Get some feedback: Often we can lie to ourselves about our true situation and it's hard to front up honestly. Go to a trusted friend and ask for some constrictive feedback. Do they think you're emotionally available to meet someone? Do they think you put up barriers to avoid getting involved in a relationship? What do they think you need to change to become available?

* Identify the ideal: Take some time to think about what type of person you would ideally like to be involved with. break it down into their personality traits, emotional make-up, looks, career, family attachments, ambitions, social skills, and parenting ability. Then ask yourself: am I ready to meet this person?

* Lose the barriers: Once you have acknowledged that you're ready to open up to a new relationship, start tearing down the barriers that have been stopping you. Divide your life into these areas: health and fitness, work, family, friends, past relationships, upbringing, finance, andliving arrangements. Then ask yourself: what do I need to change or do differently in these areas so I'm more available to meet someone? This might include buying a new wardrobe, breaking contact with your ex-boyfriend, reducing your alcohol intake, not working weekends, moving house, getting counselling, joining a gym or spending more time with single friends.

Source: Next mgz