Creating a Domestic God

Getting men to help with housework and the kids is not only a battle of the sexes, it's a battle of wills. Before things reach boiling point, try employing these tactics to help bring out the domestic god in your husband.

1) Roster Him On
Before you begin "the chat", pick your time and place. Try talking on neutral ground, rather than in a kitchen laden with dirty dishes, and at a time when you are both calm and in a positive mood, says US psychologist Dr Joshua Coleman, the author of the Lazy Husband: How To Get To Do More Parenting And Housework. "Raise the topic with your partner and ask if it is a good time. If he says no - which he has a right to - ask when in the next week would be a good time." says Dr Coleman.

Say you'd like to talk briefly about the division of labour in the house. And try not to criticise. Dr Coleman suggests opening with: "I really appreciate that you're [positive trait]. I'm wondering if we could brainstorm a way to share more of the housework because I've been feeling really exhausted lately."

The trick is to be flexible and open to his input. When it comes to rostering, it's best to get him to commit to doing as much as possible because it's likely there will be some slippage on this part over time. Sit down together and write a list of all of the things each of you do. In black and white, your list will almost certainly be longer.

Ask him which tasks he'd be willing to take on. Try to keep it playful, positive and upbeat. Then thank him for taking the time to talk about it - you shouldn't have to, but it works better if you do.

Once a roster is in place, try to hold quick weekly meetings about how things are going and what needs to be done to prevent resentment building up.

2) Adjust Your Standards
Monitoring and criticising the quality of this housework, redoing tasks, or refusing his offers of help are sure-fire ways to prevent him from even attempting to pitch in.

Many women feel guilty if they're not being superwives. As a result, they might have a harder time giving clear messages. They get their partners to agree to do something and then do it for him before he has a chance to do it himself. Women are generally more houseproud than men. Don't assume your standards are the right ones for both of you.

3) Let Dad Be Dad
Of course it feels like you're the expert in child-rearing - you've done it more intensively than he has. But you're more likely to gain aco-pilot in uniform-ironing and hair-plaiting if you lose your "expert" cap.

This is especially important when couples first become parents. Give him time alone with the children (without instruction). Men who get involved in parenting in the beginning stay much more involved with the kids and the housework.

Men don't always parent in the same way as women. They often encourage more risk-taking behavior, don't respond as quickly to children's distress and are often more strict. Try to see these as differences, rather than rights or wrongs. The more your husband feels valued as a parent and respected by you, the more involved he'll want to be.

4) Work On Your Relationship
This is the fun part, one that will make you happy in a way a spotless kitchen never can. Work harder at becoming closer to your partner, and watch the knock-on effects flow. Men do much more parenting and housework when they feel close to their parners. Give voice to what you like, love, admire or value in him.

Once way to nurture a united front regarding the housework is to do some together. Why not alternate changing the bedding your way with his. And if he's not home at scheduled sheet-changing time, it won't hurt to leave them unchanged until he is.

5) Offer Praise
When your recalcitrant partner starts falling into line, say things such as, "I really appreciate you emptying the bin without me reminding you - that meant a lot to me."

The happiest marriages are those in which men participate equally in child-rearing and household tasks. So if all else fails, mention the research of Dr John Gottman at the University of Washington - it shows husbands who help more with household tasks enjoy a better sex life with their wives.

perhaps that statistic is all you need to swing him into mop-wielding, dish-cleaning and nappy-changing action.

The (new) Rules
If your new housework arrangements are taking a little while to kick in, consider a new approach.

"It is more effective to have a sense of humour and not to go in with all guns blazing"

"Say something like, 'Hmm, you said you were going to do the laundry and it's not done. What's the plan?."

"Get him to re-commit. If he says he will and still hasn't done it in a few days, revisit the matter - this time a little more firmly. Say 'So. the laundry still ins't done. I know you don't like nagging but you're putting me in a tough position here. if I don't nag, it doesn't get done. If I do nag, we're both unhappy. What's the solution?'

"Put it on him to give a solution. Then assume this will take time to work out. And don't become discouraged if it doesn't fall into place quickly."

By Karen Heinrich

Much a Do about To-Do Lists

You have a ton of things to do but just can't handle them. Worse, you've written them down clearly, and yet, you don't seem to have to time to do them. Make your To-Do list do its job.

• Make a list and do just three. Give your brain a break, and jot down all the tasks you have to do instead of making a mental list and struggling to remember what you need to do. If you can't do all on your list in a day, do just three.
• Interruption free. A friend calls, your colleague comes by for a chat, and you find yourself entertaining them, and whine about not getting work done at the end of the day. Stop these interruptions. Start with closing your office door, letting your voicemail field your calls, and get to work on your To-Do list. After completing an item or two, give yourself a break to call someone you need to speak to, or to check your incoming e-mail.
• Don't ignore the important tasks. The hardest tasks, which are also usually high-priority tasks, are always pushed to the last, but they won't disappear. To be sure you're working on your high-priority tasks, when choosing your three tasks each day, pick at least one that is high priority, no matter what its difficulty level. If you can't finish that high-priority task in one day, even working on it for 15-30 minutes each day will ensure you're working towards its completion.
  
• Reward yourself. After you've completed each task, take the time to reward yourself, such as going for a short walk or relaxing with a cup of coffee. Your day will be productive and enjoyable.

The Daily Tasks

Do the little chores around the home today, and you won't have to waste time over the weekend taking care of them.

• Do a load every alternate day. A family generates a lot of laundry. Neglect it for a few days, and it will grow. Wash a load every alternate day, and it will never get out of hand. Do your ironing every other day, and you won't need to iron mountain loads on Sunday.
• Don't leave dirty dishes overnight. It's tempting to head for bed after that wonderful dinner, but if you don't handle the dishes right then, you'll need to scrape off encrusted food when you do get around to washing up.
• Clean your bathroom now. Most people hate to clean bathrooms because they wait until a week or more, then things get yucky. Instead, do a five-minute speed clean on the bathroom every day. When you're done using the shower, immediately spray the walls with shower cleaner. Use pre-moistened disinfectant wipes to quickly wipe the toilet surface and the countertop. Squirt some toilet cleaner in the bowl and swish it around with the toilet brush.
• Dust daily. Too tired to dust the house? Dust a different room each day, and it will feel less of a hassle. If you still feel you are spending too much time dusting a room, it's time to clear out your junk.

Speed Cleaning: Five Steps to a Tidy Kitchen

One peril of Turkey Day togetherness: Friends or Family will be all over your kitchen eyeballing the cook space. To make sure they have nothing to tsk-tsk about, follow this fast routine.

1. Clear the Counter
Cooking is your kitchen’s top priority right now. SO stash mail, school schedules, and that rarely used juicer elsewhere. (Just don’t lose any bill in the process). Then pull out the trash can and toss bags or boxes of unwanted edibles sitting out. Squirt cleaner (Mr. Clean Multi-Surfaces has done well in GHRI tests) around what’s left on the counter – canisters, the toaster. Wipe and let dry.

2. Purge the Fridge
Pull the trash can over and dump lingering leftovers, spoiled food, and open bottles of condiments, like grill marinade from last summer. You could remove all the glass shelves and bins and wash them – or leave them put until January, when the feasting season is over, and give them a fast once-over with a wet cloth or sponge. Don’t forget fingerprints and splatters on the door front and handle. A fresh box of baking soda absorbs odors, too.

3. Skip the Oven
If it's Turkey Week already and you haven’t run the self-cleaning cycle, now is not the time to commit to this hours-long task. Spot-clean dead-giveaway grime-stovetop spills, grease on the door handle or inside the glass door–with your sponge and a dash of baking soda (it’ll rinse off easier than a sudsy cleaner).

4. Think Sink
Stop pretending you’re going to rinse those dishes piling up on the counter, and load them in the dishwasher (or if not, at least stack them neatly in the sink). Run some water over drippy detergent bottles, then stick those pot scrubbers, and rubber gloves under the sink. When all has been relocated, run a sponge around the bowl of the basin and over the faucet if you’ve splattered water in your speediness.

5. Mop Stop
Before collapsing onto the sofa, use a sweeper with disposable cloths, like Swiffer, to pick up crumbs, dust, and hair from the floor. Pro tip: Keep a damp paper towel in one hand to zap stains so you don’t have to stop as you go. Throw the used Swiffer sheet and towel in your trash bin. And look – there’s the company.

By Carolyn Forte

Organizing: Beside Table

Easy Solution for Smart Living

Been awhile since you’ve seen the top of your nightstand? You’d rest easier (and get to the bathroom at night without tripping over the piles that have migrated to the floor) if you cleared the clutter, keeping only what you need each evening. So lose the laptop, jewelry, coins, nail polish bottles, and colony of water glasses. Once the surface is in view, protect it with a piece of glass cut to fit. And don’t feel you have to share with your partner: You should each have your own table (at a comfortable height) and lamp.

Organizing:

1. Divide and Conquer
Your home probably already has one junk drawer, don’t let the handy storage in your nightstand become another. Inexpensive dividers will make your pared-down sleep-time supplies (reading glasses, earplugs, lip balm, a journal) easy to find – even in the dark.


2. Light Right
Two illuminating ways to get more restful sleep: invest in a plug-in dimmer switch (available at hardware stores for about $12) to control brightness, and position your lamp so you don’t have to strain to turn it off from the bed.


3. Hang in There
Use vertical space by mounting a café curtain rod onto the side of the nightstand for holding magazines and catalogs. Chances are you’ll read (and recycle) them faster if they’re nearby and not in stacks.


4. Soft Landing
Start your morning off on the right foot by placing an area rug next to your bed. The cushy floor covering will be welcome on winter mornings. A pair of fuzzy slippers won’t hurt either.